Dear J...

I wrote this letter for the very reason that I promised myself that somehow… in someway… one day… I am going to let you know how much love is within me. I guess I am not going to let the chance go by. I want you to understand how I feel, and I have no intention of making you feel the way I do. Let me start off by saying that the best way to anything or anyone is being able to let go. Some say that holding on will prove true love; I say if you really love someone… learn to say goodbye. After our dreadful night of our recently concluded relationship, I was never myself. I try to be the friendly and cheerful everyone knows, but deep inside me was nothing of that kind. My friends, maybe our friends, said that they admire me for being strong and courageous, but little do they know that everything was all pretenses and disguises. Underneath me was a torn, shattered and very broken heart. Every night I blame the world – and never get tired of it. Seeing your face was a lot torture for than a thousand knives stab in man’s body. The bleeding will take the life out of you in a few minutes, but with the kind of torture your face brings me… It cuts me into small pieces. And whenever I look into your eyes and beyond it, I shiver helplessly. Adding to the sorrow was the fact that I no longer see me in them. As if it will see no ending. It’s really been a hell of a time for me to get over the feel of your touch, the warmth of your lips, the gentleness of your embrace, the comfort of your words, the melody of our song, the world we called ours. Maybe the reason is I don’t really want to get over them. I intended to keep them locked inside my heart… as I have kept you there too. I NEVER WANT TO FORGET YOU. They say that forgetting someone means you loved that someone. I merely wanted to clear my mind for the meantime that I may stop hoping and waiting for all the things that could have been. It saddens me so much that I didn’t get the chance to tell you everything I wanted you to know (it’s mostly about a world I’m in and how much you are apart of that world). If I only knew I have more than two months to you, I would never left your side, every single day and night. I would have chained you close to me and never let you go. I would have told you I LOVE YOU over and over again, until I have no voice left to say any word (but even as I may have lost my voice, silence will speak for me). If only I had all the time in the world, I would spend them all beside you – loving you. But then again, you have left me with a grateful heart for all the things we did, big and small – they all made me love you even more. Just by remembering, the wonderful memories will surely calm my being in times of restlessness and sadness. Even as the hurt and lonely feelings will mock and haunt me forever. I know love shall rule over them. Moreover, you have made a stronger, better and more loving person out of me. My love has ended as you say goodbye, but I still have my faith to lose, and I know a new life awaits me. It was so hard at first, to admit the fact that your love has died. It made me think if you can even loved me at all. You can’t blame me for this sick and selfish thought. You told me you loved me. This moment prove otherwise. I can’t help but think if you’ve truly been in love, you wouldn’t have left me like this. But I too, can never blame you for everything that has happened. I accept love for all its mysteries. All I know is that you made me feel the extremities of its ways. WHERE THERE IS LOVE, PAIN AND HURT LIES, BUT AS ONE LOVES, THERE IS NEITHER PAIN NOR HURT; ONLY MORE LOVE. For longest times, I hoped for miracles of you coming back, to me (I never stopped hoping up to this very minute). Eventually, I realized that there are things that are meant to be and even as I do my very best to win you back, I would never have your love back. It’s not because I have no power over love… over you. Let me tell you one thing before you close your doors for me… EVER YOU FIND YOURSELF INLOVE WITH SOMEONE NEW, JUST MAKE SURE HE LOVES YOU THE WAY I DO AND EVEN MORE. Please know that I long for your happiness. Bear in mind that THE WAY TO LOVE IS TO REALIZE THAT IT MIGHT BE LOST (I learned that because I lost you). Learn to accept it and learn not to let every opportunity to be with him to pass you by. Love him completely as you would want to be loved. This is more than just a group of words and single white paper… my heart is in it. I know now that I could die a thousand deaths. I LOVE YOU THIS MUCH. Letting go is just another way of putting it. Goodbye. But it’s not forever; it’s just for now. I just hope we could still be good friends. Maybe that’s what we ought to be the first time around. I am not bemoaning for what I lost, I’m so grateful for what remains. We may have lost something along the way, but you and I can still give meaning to the word “friend”. I want to be honest in saying that a friendship, no matter how beautiful can never compensate for what was lost (and it certainly won’t make me miss you less). Goodbye. It’s just a cruel word, but it’s the only word that can never be kind to me now. Again, I know I'll be missing you.